It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
