It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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