A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
