We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
