what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
