Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
