your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
