I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she peed on how many people?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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