i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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