It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
