so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
