Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
