I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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