i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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