Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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