This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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