Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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