I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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