my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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