This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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