i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
