Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
