The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
