My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
