So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
