sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
