Nicole vs. Life
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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