Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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