The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
