you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
