I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
