Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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