Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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