Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
