I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
