and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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