Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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