Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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