i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
