oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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