True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
