I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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