i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
