Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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