i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
