look no pants
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
