Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have fence marks all over my body
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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