i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
