True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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