I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize