Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
