Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize