Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
