i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
