how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
