It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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