We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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